About a year ago I wandered into the LDS Women section of the BYU bookstore and picked up a book that helped change the direction my life was headed. Until then I had become full of frustration, doubt, guilt, and negativity. I didn't like feeling that way and tried my darnedest not to show or let these emotions take over, but sometimes it was just too hard.
Until about 2 years ago life had basically gone as planned.
- I had graduated H.S. as a college sophomore.
- Got accepted into my college of choice.
- Met a fantastic group of friends my freshman year (and kept them through college).
- Married the man of my dreams.
- I got my internship of choice at a great school in Jordan.
- My family moved closer to us.
- Mark was accepted into Duke’s MBA program early in our marriage.
- We adopted our darling little Gizmo.
- We moved closer to Mark's family.
With the exception of working at a school where the kids were horrible to me, life was good. I knew I would quit working at Eno Valley before the next year, so there was even a silver lining on that storm cloud. Around January '09 Mark and I decided that it was time to take the next big step in life. If I was going to quit teaching I may as well do what I had always wanted & planned to do in the first place...be a Mom. We went to the temple, fasted, and prayed to know that this was the correct decision for our family at that time and decided to go for it. I don't doubt that families are the most important thing in this life, next to our relationship with God & our Savior, but that decision also ended up bringing all those nasty feelings that caused me to pick up the book Infertility: Hope, Help, & Healing by Kerstin Daynes. After reading the book I emailed Kerstin thanking her for taking the time to write about a subject that seemed to be excluded completely from all lessons in our family focused religion, but was a major part of my life. This experience was definitely not in the plans!
As I continued to struggle and cope I decided that it would soon be time to tell family and friends what was happening in our life. I started funneling my extra time into a PowerPoint presentation. When I sent it to Kerstin asking for permission to quote her she replied by asking me for a few favors. #1. Could she feature us as a couple on LDSInfertility.org? #2. Would I be a guest writer on the website? #3. Could she share the video with other ladies who needed to know they were not alone and that their feelings and emotions were not wrong or unusual.
It has been a long 26+ months of doctors, drugs, and disappointment. Who knows how long the journey will continue? This week we took the next big step and started artificial forms of conception. We know that God can do all things, we just don't understand why he chooses not to.
Nothing is up on the website yet, but I wanted to be sure that our friends and family had it from us rather than through the grapevine.
PS: I will put a watermark-less version up later. I used a free converter for this, but Mark is working on finding a program that isn't expensive to get the job done better.
12 comments:
Jill, you had me crying at slide #1! I think that as LDS women most of us have always assumed that as soon as we were married in the temple, that we would smoothly sail into the next step without glitch, and it just doesn't happen that way for everyone. Thank you for making this beautiful slideshow. It has reminded me to be a million times more sensitive about the way I think and speak of reproductive power, and the way I speak to people who are still working on this chapter of their lives. It is a big deal. Anyone who believes in families knows it's a big deal. Thanks for bringing up this really important issue. Our busy working lives make it rare for us to cross paths on a frequent basis, but I hope that you will consider me a safe person to speak openly with if you ever need to unload. XOXO
This is a wonderful post. Thanks Jill. We love you.
You did a beautiful job with this post. My thoughts are with you.
What a beautiful message! I've learned a lot as I've seen close friends struggle with infertility. I know I've been guilty of saying/doing the wrong thing. But I love the way you approach it in this slideshow - it should help lots of people!
Beautiful slide show Jill. I hope this next step is successful because you and Mark will be wonderful parents!
This was a very moving, insightful post. Thanks for sharing :)I hope you continue to share your journey with the rest of us :)
Jill, your slideshow was amazing! If you are ever having a tough day, please give me a call or come over! You are amazingly strong - I had to stay away from R.S. during a few months my own wait to be a mom which was much shorter. We will be adding our prayers to yours.
It is very interesting to see the different challenges the Lord sends our way. We all have to keep turning to Him even when we feel like we can't do what He asks of us any more. Thanks for that reminder and Thanks for your bravery!
I am so sorry, I am crying with you. you made such a beautiful slide! I will keep you in my prayers. I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through. It is a topic that is kind of brushed aside in the church. and quite a few couples struggle with it. I look up to you guys!
Jill, The slideshow captured the emotion and challenges you are facing, and highlited your individual and combined courage and strength. We love you guys and are proud of both of you! Our hearts and prayers are with you. You'll be OK!
Dad
hey jillian! just wanted to give you a big hug - across the internet i guess! next time i see you, i'll do it in person :)
love you girl! call me if you ever need to vent.
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Jill, I loved this. Thank you for sharing. You two are amazing and know that we're thinking of you and praying for you!
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